How to Sound Passive

So, what, you want to be like Michael Cera? I guess you could, if you really wanted to, it's up to
 
But let's get down to business. the keyword for being passive is qualification. You have to qualify everything. Nothing is set in stone. A good helper is interjections throughout the sentence (e.g. "um," "see," "you know," "heurng"). Girls don't not like guys who might not know what they're not doing. You can rephrase that last sentence to sound even more passive than it already is (god forbid):

"Well, girls don't not like guys who, you know, might not know what they're, uh, not doing..."

That's your first-class ticket to being Charlie Brown (read: wishy-washy). Let's take another example. Say you and a friend were discussing a paper, and your roommate expresses his desire for peace and quiet. Here's a handy little chart that I hope isn't confusing to read (sorry if it is):

 But this could come in handy, right? Right. 

• Stating negativity ("Well actually, I really don't think I can let you...do...you know...that")
• Assserting your task ("If I, uh, said my boss liked you and wanted you alive...well I'd be lying, I guess")
• Greeting an old friend ("Hey.............")
• Expressing animosity ("See, I really want to like you...but I'm really really loyal to my employer. So, there's this clash of interests between us...so I don't think things will work out between us")

  In conclusion, grapes.